What the heart wants, the heart gets

“Insanity, when the heart wakes up in the night wanting. This heart doesn’t want to be alone anymore and soon… soon it will get its wish”

It’s been 4 months and 20 days and me and Kei are still together. People told me that if we didn’t see each other for 3 months, we wouldn’t make it. We are still here, making it. I could talk about what a crazy year it has been and what I have experienced, what I’ve been through, but nothing can prepare me for the weeks ahead, the 3 most important weeks of my life.

What the heart wants, the heart gets. Insane isn’t it? The things we never knew about this life just a year ago, a month ago, a week ago or even a second ago. Then again, life isn’t about knowing is it? It is all about the experience and the constant questions to which we really have no answer. What is love for example? No one knows, we all might have theories, but the most important thing in most people’s life is love, and we still haven’t got a clue.

Well, I am about to find out a few more things about myself and life. I will probably not update this blog for a while as I am not taking my laptop with me. When I am there, I want to do other things than I do here at home. So I see you all when I get back, right?

Fallen Earth

In November last year I wrote a novel called ”Fallen Earth”, but I left the last 20 pages of it unwritten. I wrote about 200 pages, and then I just stopped. Well, thanks to Kei, I am finishing it now and I am going to publish it in Indonesia with her help. I am almost there now, just a few more pages and I can call it a wrap. It will be an important lesson in “letting go”. I am a perfectionist and 6 months ago, I would never consider publishing it because I thought it was not good enough. It is not about making it perfect, but it is about finishing something that I’ve started which is very difficult for me. I am ready to accept it like it is and actually get it all done for once. Thanks Kei!

Speaking of, only 9 days until I go! How exciting is that? A whole new world is opening up for me and Kei. I’ve been to Asia before, but I expect Indonesia to be a lot different from China. When I was in China, I thought like a westerner and I acted like one too. I was seen as impolite and rude by most people which surprised me, but it’s just so different. I learnt a lot by being there about other cultures and ways to do things. When I get to Indonesia I will be more aware of how things are. I will still be myself, but I can use my experience from China to make it a better experience for myself and Kei. I guess the most important thing I learned from China was to not assume anything. Assumptions always lead to trouble. I somehow assumed that in big cities like Shanghai that things would be like in western cities. How wrong I was.

This will me my last “normal” day at work for a while. For the whole of next week I will have RAS (Remote Access Server) training. I’m really looking forward to it as I get to learn a new skill which will be very useful in my work. RAS is basically all about connecting remotely to computers and do troubleshooting remotely. The only drawback of having training next week is that immediately after that I will be away from work for 3 weeks and would have forgotten a lot when I get back. Oh well I will deal with that when it comes. Have a great weekend everyone!

It’s a noisy world

Some of you might remember the problem I had with my left ear about a month ago. Well, I got some exciting news! On Friday I decided to go to the doctor because the olive oil was obviously not working. I went to the walk-in center and they put a syringe in my ear and sprayed hot water down there. It took a while, and the first doctor wasn’t able to fix me so she had to call in another doctor. It was so much stuff in there! Now, the interesting part is that they got out all the goo, but I still couldn’t hear properly. Something else was blocking the ear canal. What could it be? Well the doctors had to call in a specialist and even he couldn’t figure out what it was. They got it out and even so, there were wild speculations about the foreign object in my ear. I took a brief look at it, and it was a small black square block of something.

The doctors had a theory that I got more than I paid for when I had the horrendous hair cut last week. Their theory was that the hairdresser had stuffed a lot of hair down my ear. As funny as that theory is, I have come up with a theory of my own. I think my alien brothers have finally found me and the device was a simple alien implant! Anyway, like almost every episode of X-Files the evidence got destroyed so we will never learn the truth, but THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!

I must say I enjoy the medical services here in England. I just went into a walk-in center, got my problem fixed and walked out of there, not paying anything. I’ve been there 3 times and the consultations are apparently free. I love it!

It’s nothing like getting your full hearing back after a month of muffled hearing. Everything is so noisy! Suddenly I could hear that I had coins in my left jacket pocket when I walked and that rolling cigarette butt rolling on the pavement made a proper impression. The bus home was creepy as I thought it would fell apart due to the creaking and engine noises that I have never heard before.

Well, all is good! It’s getting back to normal and I take my hearing for granted again. It was a very interesting experience and I am glad I had it.

The friendship conspiracy

I love conspiracy theories, but I rarely pay them much attention, just a bit of fun. During the last year or so I’ve gotten quite a few online friends. In June last year (I think it was), my first online friend was made. Her name is Cindy and she’s now one of my best friends. I was pretty new in the online social networking business, so I made quite a few friends after that, but only a few are still with me. One such friend is Rina. She is from Singapore, but she was living in USA at the time with her husband and kids when I met her. I think we met around November or December last year (Correct me if I’m wrong here Rina!).

I have this theory that everyone is connected somehow, but the incident a couple of days somehow made it all suspicious and conspiratory. Ok, so this is how it went. I chatted with Cindy:

[07:07] Xiao Yao :: hey J..guess what
[07:08] BleachJT: what?
[07:12] Xiao Yao :: it seems your writings and the one about how you found internet love and then lost that.....well..i think ppl are talking about it
[07:12] Xiao Yao :: one of my friends in NY has heard about you thru a friends of his
[07:14] Xiao Yao :: Chael says:
I noticed one of your facebook friends is jorn
Chael says:
small world, I don't really know him, but I know about him through a friend, heard about his fanastic tale of finding internet love and losing it due to the worst luck.. he's like famous for it

Now just the thought that some random guy in USA know about me from some friend is mind blowing, just because I wrote about it in some random blog on the internet.
I was really shocked by this and I called Kei and told her about it and when I came home Rina was online and I just had to tell her this amazing story. She was like: “Hey, I know this Chael. It was me who told him!”

MIND EXPLOSION!!



So then… how did my two worlds collide in this unlikely way? Cindy and Rina has never met or talked to each other, yet something is going on.

What if all the people I chose to be my friend are actually linked in this manner? What does it mean? I was thinking that the world is collapsing onto me now and everything is coming together like an implosion of friends. I should make one of those huge wall sized maps with all my friends there, and the links between them. Would that make me a conspiracy nut? It’s a conspiracy!

The worst haircut in the world

Have you ever had a haircut so bad that when you walk in front of a mirror you either laugh hysterically or run away screaming/crying? Well, that’s what happened to me yesterday. I was just going to cut a little because I like my new long hair so I went to this local gents barber shop. It only cost 6 pounds but it was the worst haircut ever! I looked like a priest or Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber… It was so ridiculous I started laughing hysterically, and then I realized that this was bad. I am going to work today, that means people will see this abomination. So I went to another hairdresser to undo whatever damage the previous hairdresser had done. It cost 11.50 this time, but my god it was soooo worth it. Still, all my long hair is gone and I have short hair again. It looks ok, but I prefer the long hair. Can’t wait until I get long hair again. I don’t know what to do with my hair. Every time I cut my hair, it’s the same haircut, and it never looks good.

In order to protect the innocent (me) I am not posting pictures :D.

It’s all about control

From the moment I stepped in that classroom at age 7 I loved math. It made sense to me, 2+2 equals 4; it's so logical, so systematic, so final. I loved it so much that I did the whole math book in a month. The problem was that I had 9 more months at school. In the beginning, the teachers came up with extra assignments for me, but after a while, there was nothing left so I got a chance to do 2nd grade math and then 3rd. I'm not sure how they held me occupied all those early years, but they did it. Maybe they hoped that the interest would fade, and it eventually did, when algebra was introduced. That didn't make much sense to me and I fell behind all the others.

Here I am 23 years older than I was back then and I still love numbers. It's a cold and analytical tool, but it gives me safety. It makes me happy when I can put a number on everything, because it's so set, it's calculated, hardly a risk at all. Granted, numbers don't tell the whole story, it's just the facts. I live in an uncertain world where anything can happen at any time, but numbers give me some order in life, something to hold on to if things go bad.

It can be applied to everything I do. Time for example, can be calculated and put into a system, oh I love systems. I also love statistics which is probably why my favorite game is Football Manager series. I could spend hours just studying stats, put the numbers in Excel sheets, do averages and all sorts of calculation and see patterns and predict the future.

I try to apply the same thing with myself. I have spreadsheets for my money, for my time and for my life in general. I am a control freak when it comes to myself, yet I never try to control others. I have learned that the only person I can control is myself, so I am applying everything I know to give me the life I want. I know numbers; I know they feel safe and comfortable. Numbers don't lie (at least not my numbers), sometimes they change, but they can still be measured, controlled.

It's all about control.

Bobo

Everyone I know has had some kind of stuffed animal when they were young (and some still do when they are old). Mine was this sorry looking thing which I called Bobo. My little sister found this thing online on a website for lost stuff. Now I'm not sure it's lost somewhere, I just don't know where it is. I asked my big sister about it, and she thought I still had it, lol.

I can't really remember why I liked this thing so much. My little sister loved this carrot she called Dingolingolansj. I bought it for her when I was on vacation in Crete I think. Stuffed carrots make great friends too. My fiancée has this cute thing called Momo, I think it is a bee of some kind.

I think I had an imaginary friend too, but I am not sure if it is a false memory or a real one. I would like to have one today, how do I go about it? Is there some place I can request an imaginary friend? There should be an imaginary friend repository somewhere, where you could apply for an imaginary friend. I did a search for it online, but I could only come up with a few definitions and personal stories. My theory is that if everyone had an imaginary friend, the world would be a much better place. You would always have someone to talk to at all times and they would always listen and even talk back. Of course, all psychoanalysts and therapists would be out of a job, but it's a small price to pay.

My fiancée made me a digitally stuffed animal by the way :D.

Who replace these precious "friends" when we grow up?